Are you bringing a gift, or a weapon?

Have you ever had the overwhelming urge to tell someone frustrating off? Here’s a better way to deal with it.

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Let me start by saying this is a story that has nothing to do with the workplace. I know, shocker, right?

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However, since the skills we develop in “life” suit the workplace, and vice versa, I thought it appropriate to share this.

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Whether or not you can relate to the story that follows, the take-away is relevant in so many situations. Lately I’ve been talking about it quite a bit, and thought maybe this would help you too.

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You see, we sometimes obsess with taking an action that we think will solve a problem.

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But we don’t do the footwork that requires us to examine our intentions and our expectations before we take that action. And when we don’t think it through, it’s likely we’ll be disappointed with the result. Let’s take a look, and see if you can relate.

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What you may seek and what you may find are not always one.
― Lloyd Alexander, The High King

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Lorinda’s Dilemma

In conversation recently my friend Lorinda bemoaned the deep personal cost of her difficult childhood. Although in many aspects she had moved on with her life, she needed and wanted sense of closure with her parents.

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Her parents, particularly her mother, had never taken ownership for the events that occurred, in fact seemed quite oblivious to it all. And that fact seemed to perturb Lorinda even more.

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The more life moved on, the more she was hounded with thoughts like “How could she simply act like that never happened!” and “How dare she pretend everything is normal!”

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Like many adults who hail from difficult childhoods, Lorinda harbored resentments, anger, and sadness about what had happened. And in some small way she wanted recompense for what she had suffered.

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Her plan?

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She told me she wanted to go have it out with her mom. Go tell her mother off.

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Give her a piece of her mind.

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Tell her the way it is. Inventory her bad behavior.

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Get it off her chest.

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Make her apologize. That should do it!

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But my question to her was, “What, exactly, will that do?”

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Are you bringing a gift, or a weapon?

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In the workplace – or in life – you get a bee in your bonnet to do something in an attempt to fix a situation. Perhaps it’s an emotional reaction to a situation that’s been building up over time, and you’re at a tipping point. Frustration mounts and then, viola, there it is – your unloading of it all.

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Telling off a boss.

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Yelling at a co-worker.

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Having it out with a supplier.

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Arguing with your spouse.

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Criticizing the referee at your kid’s basketball game. (Ok truth – I once almost got thrown out of a game for this. I felt terrible, was horribly embarrassed, my husband gave me “that look” and, I never yelled at a referee again.)

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I’m not saying confrontation is bad, let’s be clear on that.

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I’m saying you need to be clear about why you’re doing it, what it is in service of, and voice your ideas in a way they can be heard.

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Sometimes, when we are moved to action from a place of frustration, our intention needs to be interrogated.

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I once heard leadership defined as a lens through which we convey intention. “Are you,” the speaker asked, “bringing a gift, or a weapon?”

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Lorinda’s situation, and others like them, reminded me of that very question. What was she bringing to this situation?

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So I called upon that wisdom when she asked for my opinion. In return, I asked two simple questions that would help her get to the heart of that every important question.

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What was her intention in having this conversation?

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And what was the expectation she held about its outcome?

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Intentions + Expectations

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Lorinda’s intention was to tell her mother how she really felt, reprimand her for all the stuff she’d never acknowledged and her culpability in it.

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Her deepest desire was to have her mother apologize to her. In spite of their history, she expected that her mother would listen to Lorinda’s pent-up resentment, and contritely accommodate her with a heartfelt apology.

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Wow. Those are some pretty heady intentions and expectations!

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So I asked Lorinda, What happens if she doesn’t… listen? Apologize? Validate your concerns? Take ownership for her behavior?

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What will that be like for you?

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What if she turns it around, and somehow makes it your fault? Then what happens to your plan?

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Finally, based on what you already know about your mom, and your history with her are your expectations realistic for this situation?

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The messy thing about expectations.

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Understanding – and owning – what’s in your control, and what is not, is fundamental to managing yourself, and your expectations.

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Lorinda’s expectation of the outcome was entirely dependent on her mother. And her mother’s behavior was completely out of her control.

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According to experts at the NeuroLeadership Institute, when our expectations are not met, not only are we dissatisfied with the situation, but also our brain chemistry changes. It sends out alarm signals that say, “You are being threatened!” Read: Stress hormones go on overdrive; anxiety, and emotional discomfort prevail.

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Think about that. When we set ourselves up with expectations that are unrealistic, and those expectations are not met, we create more stress and anxiety for ourselves than we began with.

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The messy thing about expectations is this: When you depend on other people to accommodate your expectations, you may be setting yourself up for a stressful disappointment.

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Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

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What are your intentions?

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Think about the situations you encounter throughout your typical work day. When you’re moved to act out of anger or frustration, take a good look at your intentions.

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• What is really driving your behavior?
• Is your intention honorable and transparent, are you willing to share it with others? Or are you seeking to feel better at someone else’s expense?
• What is your intention in service of?
• Are you bringing a gift, or a weapon?

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What are your expectations?

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Then do a reality check. How do your expectations align with the reality of the situation? If you tell your boss off, really, what are you expecting of him? That he’ll tell you he’s been wrong all along and you are so right?

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• Are your expectations deeply dependent upon factors that are not in your control, or are they dependent on other people’s behavior?
• Are they realistic given the situation?
• What will happen if those expectations aren’t met? Will you feel safe, or threatened?

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I shared this story today because I’m frequently asked by others if I think they should or should not do something. The matter isn’t always rooted in a frustrating situation. But frequently, it is.

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Frequently enough for me to want you to have a better way to assess, respond to, and manage expectations (and decisions) in your own career, and life.

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So let me know if this article has been helpful to you. Or, maybe you know someone who needs to read it. If so, please send it along to them. And thanks for reading, as always.

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